A Whole New World ❤

Wow. My life since the last post I made has made a total 180. I want to start off my saying, the guy I was talking about in my last post is my boyfriend now :) call me stupid, call me crazy for, yet again, giving him another chance and trusting him, but I call it love. I read a quote the other day that said, "Love isn't suppose to be easy, it is suppose to be worth it," And honestly, I've been through hell and back with this boy, and no it hasn't been easy but now that things have finally worked out, its defiantly been worth it. My basketball season has been amazing, it is my favorite sport and I couldn't have asked for a better team. Our record has not been the best but I have never had so much fun. I'm in the last stretch of my high school days! My last day is May 20th and I hopefully will not have to take my exams. I can honestly say I'm very happy with my life right now. As crazy excited as I am, I always have a little worry that something is going to happen and my life won't be so amazing like it is. I guess only God knows what will happen, which is perfectly fine with me :)

Love Will Ruin Your Life.

Love. A word that rises many different emotions from people. For me, every time I hear the word it screams sadness. Let me start off my saying that when I love, I love hard and unconditionally. I can honestly say I've been in love with 2 guys in my life. Full hardheadedly, 100% love, die for you love. Others might have a different opinion on teen love but I for one have experienced it first hand 2 times. Love is love. I hate it when people try to tell me that I never loved them because I know I did. They don't know how I truly feel and I don't waste my breath explaining it either because it is indescribable. Long story short, I fell in love with this guy from my school last year at the end of the year and he ended up playing me. I went all summer getting over him which is when I met my exboyfriend and went out with him. School started up again and I didn't know how things were gonna really work out between me and this guy because I hadn't seen him all summer. A little while after school started my ex and I broke up, things just got too hard since we both went to different schools. Its not hard to guess what happened next...I ended up giving this guy another chance. I mean after all I was in love with him and I'm a strong believer in 2nd chances. He ended up playing me again...he can't get over this other girl and I don't know why. And I made the mistake of telling him I was in love with him and that I'd always be there for him. I tried just hating him and didn't talk to him but that only lasted a few days. Now he knows my feels for him and uses it against me. He is incredibly irresistible to me and I hate how vulnerable he makes me. Now I'm in a predicament as to what my next move should be. I know I'm always going to love him but the other feels I have for this guy literally kills me inside. I see him flirting with all these other girls and I just have to make myself look away and act like I don't care. I hate this. Feeling confused, love, hate all at the same time. I've tried letting myself just take one day at a time and maybe someone or something will happen or come into my life. Its been 3 months now and I'm still in the same situation if not deeper. My feels for him grows everyday and despite hes with this other girl (might I add that they break up every other day) he still tells me he loves me and comes to my house and kisses me. Whenever I ask him about her he says he doesn't know how they stand and that he doesn't care. I've tried just straight up trying to break things off once and for good but it never works out. We always find our way back to each other. He always promises me we will be together one day and I feel so naive for falling for everything he says to me but I can't help it. I'm emotionally drained and I'm tired of feeling love. Fml.

This Is My Title.

Maturity. A word I believe I've grown to know the real definition of. After going through an official break up with my ex that I've talked about in my previous posts, conquering the fact that my senior year is a total blow, having a really close death in my family and having to make choices of whether I want to follow the crowd or not. I've grown to realize life is what you make it and attitude is everything. People need to stop giving a shit what other people think about them because honestly, everyone is going to judge you no matter what you do and who you try to be. I've grown to let myself be who I am. You can't please everyone so please yourself. Set your priorities straight and know what really important and whats not. I'm from a school where its becoming corrupted with people who don't give two shits about anything. School, sports, even each other. You have to have a lock for just about everything or else your in the line of fire for it to get stolen. My whole high school life I've loved being in school and honestly dreaded becoming a senior just because of the fact that it would be my last year. But the way my year is going and how my school is ending up, I'm glad I'm getting out in a few months. I'm still really confused on what I want to do after I graduate but I know its going to be better than where I am now. My real dream is to move to Chicago. I'm tired of this small town that I live in..I want to explore new things and new people. Not going to lie I'm scared to death but I think it'll be worth it. Chicago is a city where anything is fashion and art. Two of the things I love. Everyone has their own swag there, not just a big cluster of people walking around with a bunch of Hollister clothing on and reeking of the Abercrombie store scent that lurks the whole mall. I don't know..maybe I just a vacation of this place, clear my head, decide what I really want. I honestly think my life would be better if I had someone to look forward to everyday. All the guys at my school are pathetic and disgusting. I've already tried dating someone from another school and we all know how that ended. Something exciting just needs to happen to my life.. preferably a person ;) but with the luck I have, it won't be. Enough of my ranting, I got a 6am alarm clock that ready to go off in about 7 hours so I can go to school for another, dreadful week. I'll be sure to keep up with my posts from now on, you know, because my life has so much going on in it, haha. Not at all.

SENIOR YEAR.

The year I've been looking forward to the most. School year 2011-2012. How many times I've fantasized about how the year would play out. I would be in co-op (working for half the day then school the other half), have my own car, homecoming week would be unforgettable and overall just amazing. Buttttt....with the luck that I have, it has been the worst year of my whole high school life. Here is the list of all the reasons why its sucked so far and I'm only a month into it.
     1. I really can't say I have a legit best friend anymore
     2. They canceled all the events scheduled for Homecoming week (powderpuff, bonfire), I did make it on Homecoming court and ended up winning Homecoming queen which was kinda legit :)
     3. My ex boyfriend turned out to be the biggest douche bag I've ever met in my entire life
     4. The guy I'm somewhat talking to right now somewhat has another girl who hes been with for 9 months so our entire relationship has to be a secret until he breaks things off with her which is very skeptical and is making me think I'm wasting my time because I've tried talking to him last year and he ended up choosing the other girl soooo basically the guy department SUCKS
      5. My school is full of one or all of the following: immature, slutty, confused, wanna-be, not cute, annoying little kids.
     6. I thought I knew what I wanted to be and where I wanted to go to school but alllll of that got thrown out the window. I wish I could just make my mind up and be done with it.

I do believe thats all. Thats still a lot for only being in school for a month. I can't imagine how the rest of my year is going to go. Basketball season, winter formal, prom, Miss.BS, my senior project, tennis, class trip..there are so many things that I can do now that I'm a senior but at the way things are going I'd be happy if one of those things went smoothly.

Blah, blah, blah.
I'm so sick of thinking about how jacked up my life is right now. The only good things in it right now are:
     1. My job
     2. My grades
     3. Winning Homecoming Queen :)
     4. And basically only having 1 more year of HS

I've always been a positive person but with all the wrong things going on in my life, its kind of hard to stay that way.

The Breakup.

I've grown to realize I miss my ex boyfriend more than I thought and have found myself crying when I text him or even think about him. We never had complete closure when we broke up..and go figure, he didn't have the balls to tell me in person so he did it over text. The first time we broke up, he did it over the phone when he was in Indianapolis for a basketball tournament. We both decided to talk about things when he came home. He came over the day after he got back and I fought 2 hours for that boy. 2 hours of proving him wrong, answering all his 'What if's' and different questions. It took maybe about 15 text messages for him to say it was over. I pushed him..but only because he pushed me to fight for him and I was wanting to see if he would do the same. Turns out I wasn't worth the energy or the fight. Its crazy how things change in a matter of weeks. We only dated for 2 months but those 2 months were the best. I gave and put everything I had into our relationship. I know I didn't fall in love with him but boy did I fall hard. And it seems like even tho I didn't love him, my heart is still breaking just as bad as when I lost my first love. We broke up about a week and a half ago and he had the nerve to text me yesterday asking if I was talking to other guys. Of course I wouldn't be talking to other guys. I turned around and asked him the same question and he told me he made plans to hang with other girls but that was it. He made it seem like our relationship didn't mean shit to him. He really made me feel horrible and stupid. For him to move on as fast as he did just proves to me it was all just a joke to him. He knew how to play the game and play it well. I'm just such a hopeless romantic that I fell for his bullshit. I'm honestly unsure of my feelings right now. I don't know if I'm scared to trust or scared to love or if I want to let someone else into my life and make me vulnerable enough to knock me down. My mom told me the other day, "Being pretty really is a sin." And its true, you don't know who's being real and who just wants to get in your pants. I just feel so lonely and so empty. I have so much love to give and it seems like every time I get into a relationship is just drains more and more out of me until I end up putting my guard up so high that it will be impossible to break down. I don't want that for myself. I'm too strong of a person to let things like this break me down. Part of me wishes that he would just realize what he missing and come back to me but the other part tells me how I deserve better than him and to just let go. Well, maybe he doesn't deserve me, but I do deserve him. I guess time will only tell what my future will look like, with or without him. I just have to wait and see if my knight & shinning armor is going to rescue me, or if it will be just another loser in tin foil.

Buzzz..

Wasps. Hornets. Wood Bees. Ground Bees. Bumble Bees. Carpenter Bees. Honey Bees.

Those are some of the different kinds of bees flying about the world. The one that I'm dealing with is Yellow Jackets. It all happened yesterday when I was trying to help my mom out by weeding her garden. I was pulling some weeds by this fence we have in the garden when the next thing I know my thumb started stinging and getting swollen. I immediately run to my little brothers swimming pool and stick it in the cold water. My mom and I went back to where I had been gardening and we saw a whole army of Yellow Jackets buzzing around the ground where its nest was. I guess I can say I got very lucky. I could have gotten stung by 20 of them but instead I only got it once. Seeing them there buzzing around, I grew an instant hatred for them and wanted my revenge. After getting stung I decided it would be better to stop weeding and go mow the lawn. The whole time my thumb was throbbing in pain, swollen and itchy. Later that night, I was putting some medicine on the sting and I was thinking, the bee only did that so I would stay away from him and his home/family. I applied it to my life and if someone was, deliberate or not, damaging my home or messing with my family, I would want to do something about it too. I don't blame the bee for stinging me. To him, I'm just a big, huge monster trying to destroy his home. Later when my dad came home from work, he brought some chemical killer to put on their hive. Looks like they won't be stinging anyone anymore.

Wanna Know A Secret? :)

10 things that 97.6% people don't know about me:

1. I have a really bad habit of biting the inside of my lips. I've been trying to stop ever since I went to the dentist a few weeks ago because they said I could higher my risk of mouth cancer.

2. I really wish I was good at writing and taking pictures.

3. I really want to adopt an Asian and African American kid when I grow up. I don't really have any legit reasons for wanting to adopt them without sounding creepy, haha.

4. I really want to like drinking iced tea. My mom told me a story about when my grandparents first met, my grandpa would go over to my grandmas house to have dinner and he never like the Puerto Rican food they made but after making himself eat it 6 different times, he liked it the 7th time. So I started drinking iced tea everyday and I'm hoping by the 7th time I'll like it. :)

5. When I was in 4th grade, I was best friends with 2 girls and 3 guys. We all decided we should have nicknames so we came up with: Big Mama-Veronica, Tugboat-Maggie, Chip monk-Grady, Gabriella-Gabe, Korky-Kory and I was stuck with Fruit Cake. It was a dreadful name.

6. Some Pet Peeves: crooked picture, overused quotes, loosing in a sport, slow texters, being dirty, drama.

7. I really like Paris Hilton. I think shes fabulous and gorgeous and I wanna meet her someday :)

8. I wear the same wristbands everyday. Each of my best friends gave them to me. I have 5 in total: 3 being silly bands and 2 are beaded. ♥

9. A lot of teenagers hate their parents. I personally have an amazing relationship with mine, especially my mom. My mom is without a doubt my best friend and I don't know what I would ever do without her. I look up to her in so many way, shes just an incredible women.

10. This was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, haha.