Love Will Ruin Your Life.

Love. A word that rises many different emotions from people. For me, every time I hear the word it screams sadness. Let me start off my saying that when I love, I love hard and unconditionally. I can honestly say I've been in love with 2 guys in my life. Full hardheadedly, 100% love, die for you love. Others might have a different opinion on teen love but I for one have experienced it first hand 2 times. Love is love. I hate it when people try to tell me that I never loved them because I know I did. They don't know how I truly feel and I don't waste my breath explaining it either because it is indescribable. Long story short, I fell in love with this guy from my school last year at the end of the year and he ended up playing me. I went all summer getting over him which is when I met my exboyfriend and went out with him. School started up again and I didn't know how things were gonna really work out between me and this guy because I hadn't seen him all summer. A little while after school started my ex and I broke up, things just got too hard since we both went to different schools. Its not hard to guess what happened next...I ended up giving this guy another chance. I mean after all I was in love with him and I'm a strong believer in 2nd chances. He ended up playing me again...he can't get over this other girl and I don't know why. And I made the mistake of telling him I was in love with him and that I'd always be there for him. I tried just hating him and didn't talk to him but that only lasted a few days. Now he knows my feels for him and uses it against me. He is incredibly irresistible to me and I hate how vulnerable he makes me. Now I'm in a predicament as to what my next move should be. I know I'm always going to love him but the other feels I have for this guy literally kills me inside. I see him flirting with all these other girls and I just have to make myself look away and act like I don't care. I hate this. Feeling confused, love, hate all at the same time. I've tried letting myself just take one day at a time and maybe someone or something will happen or come into my life. Its been 3 months now and I'm still in the same situation if not deeper. My feels for him grows everyday and despite hes with this other girl (might I add that they break up every other day) he still tells me he loves me and comes to my house and kisses me. Whenever I ask him about her he says he doesn't know how they stand and that he doesn't care. I've tried just straight up trying to break things off once and for good but it never works out. We always find our way back to each other. He always promises me we will be together one day and I feel so naive for falling for everything he says to me but I can't help it. I'm emotionally drained and I'm tired of feeling love. Fml.

This Is My Title.

Maturity. A word I believe I've grown to know the real definition of. After going through an official break up with my ex that I've talked about in my previous posts, conquering the fact that my senior year is a total blow, having a really close death in my family and having to make choices of whether I want to follow the crowd or not. I've grown to realize life is what you make it and attitude is everything. People need to stop giving a shit what other people think about them because honestly, everyone is going to judge you no matter what you do and who you try to be. I've grown to let myself be who I am. You can't please everyone so please yourself. Set your priorities straight and know what really important and whats not. I'm from a school where its becoming corrupted with people who don't give two shits about anything. School, sports, even each other. You have to have a lock for just about everything or else your in the line of fire for it to get stolen. My whole high school life I've loved being in school and honestly dreaded becoming a senior just because of the fact that it would be my last year. But the way my year is going and how my school is ending up, I'm glad I'm getting out in a few months. I'm still really confused on what I want to do after I graduate but I know its going to be better than where I am now. My real dream is to move to Chicago. I'm tired of this small town that I live in..I want to explore new things and new people. Not going to lie I'm scared to death but I think it'll be worth it. Chicago is a city where anything is fashion and art. Two of the things I love. Everyone has their own swag there, not just a big cluster of people walking around with a bunch of Hollister clothing on and reeking of the Abercrombie store scent that lurks the whole mall. I don't know..maybe I just a vacation of this place, clear my head, decide what I really want. I honestly think my life would be better if I had someone to look forward to everyday. All the guys at my school are pathetic and disgusting. I've already tried dating someone from another school and we all know how that ended. Something exciting just needs to happen to my life.. preferably a person ;) but with the luck I have, it won't be. Enough of my ranting, I got a 6am alarm clock that ready to go off in about 7 hours so I can go to school for another, dreadful week. I'll be sure to keep up with my posts from now on, you know, because my life has so much going on in it, haha. Not at all.